Toothbrush

I was supposed to buy new tooth brushes today. Two, one for me and one for Nathan. We didn't need new toothbrushes because our current ones were worn out or anything like that. No our toothbrushes had been confiscated by five fast little fingers who have remnants of baby pudge surrounding them. Our son Sebastian has a way of needing that which is immediately in your hand and nothing else will suffice, especially none of the hundreds of toys which litter the apartment.

This is how I found myself digging thought the basket of toys. My elbows deep in bocks, bears, damn tickle-me-elmo and various other "things" which thus created a cacophony of annoying melodies and tunes. I soon spotted my lime green toothbrush on top of one (1) harmonica, one (1) Pound-a-Peg, a twinkling star, a full body long sleeved bib and two(2) bears. The hunt finished with my captive in hand I then tossed the unneeded objects back into the basket with about as much care and candor as my one year old treats these objects on a regular basis. Knowing full well that said toothbrush had long since been handed over to said terrorist I understood the damage inflicted upon this toothbrush. I'd witnessed with my own eyes the journey this toothbrush had been forced to walk. From mouth (his not mine) to floor -carpet, wood, linoleum - to tub, and toy basket, underneath and with in the couch, I knew where this tooth brush had been. No need to tell me the stories seeing how I had silently witnessed its long agonizing downfall. I proceeded to run the bristles underneath the cold water tap in the bathroom -maybe I should have used hot water....however, after an attempt to pick off what I thought might be living in the toothbrush I proceeded to past the brush and clean my teeth or the attempt there of. Oh, I should mention that my husband's brush disappeared the night after last (though I'm sure if I got on my hands and knees I might perchance to see it) and having gone one night with the finger brush method, I knew it would not be sufficient enough to remove the days worth of plack I was experiencing let alone the over sized handful of chocolate covered pretzels which were slowly embedding themselves into the very essence of my teeth.
Ahhhh......to have clean flossed teeth.
It was so worth a trip through the toy bin.

That's right. I crocheted a sweater for a six to nine month old baby. Thank you very much, I shall take the credit and shall boast over this feat. Thank you very much dammit.

01.25.08

Somewhere between 7:30 and Eight o'clock, January 25, 2008

Had the best orgasm to date.

Career Day

Tuesday nights Nathan goes to guys group and after I put my son down I usually pick up a crochet project or a book and spend some quiet time to myself. Last night I wanted some good back ground noise/distraction so I logged on to abc.com to check out their TV shows on line. I found a new series that I had recently read about called, Cashmere Mafia. First of all the title is Awful rather cheesy/cliche if you ask me. Second it is based on a book by the woman who did Sex and the City, Carrie something (aka: sara jessica parker) Sex in the City I never followed but caught the few episodes I saw on DVD, not too much to think about that show.
Cashmere Mafia though caught my attention, and not in such a good way. All four women are high end professionals in....take a guess?...New York City. Surprise! They are all wealthy and thus can afford to pull out brand new Gucci bags, flaunt their well organized closets with five shelves devoted to bags and purses, let alone the clothes they wear in each shot (we're to assume designer). That's fine, let girls have their vanity I dont care. Paint women strong and dominant, but please oh please do accessorize just right.
Ok, I'll stick to one beef I have about one of the characters (but don't hold your breath, I dont think I'm finished with this topic). So this one girl (I'll call her readhead) is CEO of some male dominant business, married to banker/investor type guy, one daughter. He's having an affair (suspensful I know) with someone she knows. As Red describes it, she's known he's had affairs but they are always out of town things, people she doesnt know. She wants to keep someone around in order not to be the blind date, divorcee kind of woman. She wants to spend holidays with someone, and this is why she's never said anything. Fair enough. I want someone to spend holidays with, and I would want to hold on to any idea of love I had for that someone. For a time.
This is her plan of attack however. In this radically glorified scene at a benefit she's thrown, as she is being recognized for her acheivements, she wispers to her husband that she knows, and that she will "take on a lover" out of their friends and he will not know when or who. Then before he can say anything, she has to get up to make a speech amongst all this roar of applausal. It is as though she is the strongest woman and just gave him the real one two puch.
Her friends begin looking for someone to set her up with. Not trying to understand if she is hurt, angry, emotionally empty etc etc, rather they give her this marvelous make over and she feels and looks great. Her husband is all sorry sorry sorry You're beautiful you look beautiful, because she comes home looking like the million dollar woman. This makeover is any hurt woman's dream. We go straight to our looks when confronted with any number of issues. Depression, Anger, Happiness, what ever it might be, and we look towards fixing our outward appearence either with makeup, new hair, the right clothes. I've done it, am trying to let go of the habit badly. All Red is ever going to feel deep underneath is a desire to understand and be reconsiled to her husband. Someone you've known for years and have trusted your life to stabs you in the back, and all you are going to do is sleep with someone else, invest some of yourself and time into another man. Not so satisfying to me, but that is just my opinion.
I guess I just don't get the mindset. I'm sure there are stockbroker women watching this show thinking, Gosh I relate to the mom trying to find a nanny to raise my kids, or, Geese, marry a great guy or take him out of the competition for a promotion? I want to work, to do something more than just take care of kids, but seeing how I was put into the role of motherhood with out planning it I've had to take time to asses where I am at, where I wanted to be, and how I fit into mother hood. Personally I think motherhood should not be coupled with Full time work. I'm not saying a woman shouldn't work and just stay home with kids, but when the compromise begins to shift the connection between you and your kids then think about what is priortized. I think the conflict with all of these women in the show is trying to balance work/husband/family and that it is not fair that women should have to choose between these things. I dont think women should either. But I don't think women should have pity parties about their choices and tell everyone that it's not fair. I am a beliver in making a decision, and if it is work, then work, if it is to raise kids at home then do so. Don't be a fence sitter and try to be the end all of moms.
I want to have a personal life, to do things the way I want when I want and how I want. But loving others around you does not match with the prior way of thinking. I'll get a job someday, but not at the expense of my husband and children. In order to "make more than my husband" (as the cashmere mafia see it) I have to put myself first, it's just the way this male dominant society has seen fit, and no I will not succumb to living under and submitting to a man. Rather I will stand up to a job that they often can not do as well, or just plain don't want to do (as my father puts it) and work in a partnership with my husband.

more to come

Shout it Out Loud

In uncomfortable or new situations, which can often be uncomfortable, I find myself becoming loud and rather abrasive. Some friends might just say that this is how I am most of the time. Maybe this is true. I often find that I notice these qualities when I am looking to establish myself in a part of a group.
My friend's dorm mates and then later her room mates will probably agree to this idea if asked. I found myself viewed as a rather loud character and often excessive. I found myself in this position again, amongst people I had met on one occasion, and trying to be noticed. I don't desire to be in the spot light, because if I did then I'd be a lot smoother and much more congenial than I tend to be. No, rather I am sarcastic, abrasive, who gives a shit right now attitude, in short a less than desired combination of qualities when trying to make an impression and/or make friends.
Oops?
We can sit and discuss the psychological aspect of this, my inner dwelling of unsettled relationships, till we're blue in the face, but I feel (and this is in speaking not just about myself) that we must either grow up or live in our shortcomings. I can either let other's opinions of me, which by the way I have helped facilitate, bring about a change of character with in me for their benefit, or I can try to understand my outburst and show those people who I really am. And that would include the loud abrasive side of me, only coupled with those other various parts.
But then I also feel that people should just speak up for their own damn selves.
If they want to be heard over my loud cacophony of noise then say something.