An Ode to Vanity

I have recently discovered myself craving what I will categorize as "maturity". Maturity in the idea that I am no longer in high school and I must present myself to others in such a fashion that when I look in the mirror I am not confronted with my sophomoric smile (greasy unkempt hair, pimples masked under a poor shmear of cover up, and that look of painful awkwardness). I am 25 with two kids, my body maybe slowing sinking to the bottom of this terra (and quicker than I would have liked)but I suppose that I must claim what is left. Thus I am discovering ways in which I might appear mature but after a drink or two I'm still only 25.
I have began to claim myself back by
a) shaving my legs regularly (though I thought living in Oregon was a valid excuse not to do this I have now deemed this invalid. shaved legs still hold cultural value of beauty how ever shallow/fake/superficial it maybe. it separates us from those who think we came from monkeys cause now I don't' look like it)
b)showering and washing my hair regularly: my hair is a sad kind of very fine/greasy hair which demands minimal maintenance of: volumizing shampoo/conditioner, towel drying and then blow drying with a round brush. this process can also be followed up with a quick run through of a flat iron
c)purchasing make up that is more than: cover up, mascara, and bronzer. Make up should be in good colors, nothing whorish, just sophisticated.
1c)take time during naps to google "how to apply eyeliner" and watch and compare videos along with other related videos such as, "picking the right blush", "eyeshadow application"
d)purchasing shoes that are: more than $10, not from Payless Shoe Source (though in a pinch BOGO is such a great deal), and are not brown.
e)looking for a new purse: Purse, not bag, not diaper bag, not a bag which can be used for bag and diaper bag, something which is solely a Purse. Things such as, toy cars, snap pea crisps, Ritz sandwich crackers, and plastic wrappers are not allowed in purse. Said purse does not have to be ridiculously tiny nor does it have to be a tacky flashy gold. Something hip or sassy is just fine
If having at least three categories accomplished then it is time to go out on a date. Weather my husband notices all or any categories are bonus points, at this point in the game it is all about getting out of the house in more than jeans and a t-shirt and not spraying myself with fabreeze (though Dove body spray can be accepted). Extra bonus points if these items can be accomplished on a Monday morning (mid-morning acceptable) with coffee and fed kids.
Good feelings will ensue.